These days I've been doing a lot of processing. I can't speak for Sally, but I myself am dealing with complex feelings as I'm trying to wrap my head around where we are and what the next several months will be like. Surrogacy is totally new territory for all of us. Mentally, we knew what we were getting in to, but I don't think this is something anyone can truly prepare themselves for emotionally.
For instance, I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be at this point. I think a variety of factors play into that. For one, I've been waiting to be a mom for 8 long years. Then there's the fact that I've seen way too much pain and heartache along the way, so my naivety is gone in thinking that pregnancy equals a guaranteed, take-home baby.
That said, I am starting to relax a lot more, and I'm feeling peaceful and content overall. I do wonder when the excitement is going to hit me full-force, but I'm taking the advice I received on a surrogacy forum and simply embracing how I'm feeling right now and planning to deal with the new feelings as they arise.
It's a weird place to be... "pregnant," but not really. I don't know how to be an expectant mom, period, much less an expectant mom to a baby being carried in another woman's womb, hundreds of miles away in another state. A woman I love and trust implicitly, just to be clear. :)
Surprisingly, I don't feel sad about not being the one who is pregnant; I mourned the loss of that dream a long time ago. However, I do feel very much disconnected from this baby, and I kinda hate that. I realize that it's very likely I will continue to feel disconnected the entire pregnancy since I am quite literally just that -- disconnected. I have no nausea, no cravings, no bodily changes to notice, analyze or obsess over... There's nothing "typical" about becoming a mom this way, and I don't have a clue how to do it.
But the bottom line is it doesn't matter. There is no surrogacy rulebook, and even if there was it would be wrong since every surrogacy experience is bound to be different, just as every person, relationship and situation in this life is uniquely different.
All any of us can do is figure it out as we go, taking one day at a time, relying on God each step of the way.
I certainly couldn't do it without Him.
-E
I also felt very disconnected while pregnant with ayden, because of my lifestyle, my family's opinions... I just didn't feel worthy of him, and knew he didn't deserve me. but I believe god gave him to me, to save my life. since you cant enjoy the physical aspects of being pregnant, listen to that heartbeat a million times. it will always sound like music, I always loved it. look at those ultrasounds and see if you can see the facial features. I called out aydens ears, his big cheeks, and rylans nose... it helps you bond, even tho you cant touch her yet.
ReplyDelete(idk if gramma told you, but I feel like its a girl)
HUGS.LOVEYOU.
-AnLaLa